Friday, October 17, 2014

Writing in this blog has become like screaming into a black hole for me, utterly futile.

So here are a few things I've learned:

1. When people tell you they love you, you should run, because people cause the most destruction to those things they purport to care for.

2. Never trust ANYONE with the things that are the most important to you, because someone will find a way to ruin it.

3. If you think someone is different, you are wrong, because they are all the same.

4. The system is not set up to help you. It claims it is, but this is a comfortable lie to keep everyone from panic and or disorder. When you truly need help, you are truly alone.

5. Helping people is a waste of time. Granted you get a little buzz of self-satisfaction and some affirmation from it, but make sure you use a clean needle and wash your hands after.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Debts, revenge, and killing time

So stuff happened. The last year has been...erratic. Dumped and stranded in Wyoming, forced to admit myself into a mental hospital under threat of homelessness, made homeless....

So there is a thing called "learned helplessness". I have been forced into a lot of no-win situations recently. I am trying to convince myself that just because life has consistently kicked me in the teeth no matter what I do, that I shouldn't just give up and take it. So I made some changes. I separated myself forcibly from my family, because really, forcing me into a mental hospital and then kicking me out on the street are not behaviors exhibited by people who love and care for you. When I screamed out for help to other members of my family I was faced with apathy. So what? Who cares? So, no more family for me. Nada.

While I was in the looney bin, a couple of savings bonds I had mysteriously disappeared. Screw it. I hope $1500 worth of stolen bonds makes you happy, because obviously I never could.

"Debt to society"

What are the actual grounds for debts to me? At what point do people actually owe me something because they screwed up my life? Because I'm about ready to start filing lawsuits. Do I sue the VA? I am currently off all of my medications, because someone in the VA cancelled all of my prescriptions and I can't get them until I have an appointment, which I can't do for another 3 weeks. I was morbidly ill from withdrawal from my anti-depressants (they call it discontinuation syndrome, but it is withdrawal), withdrawal from my anxiety medication, a benzodiazapine (withdrawal from which can kill you), lithium toxicity and then withdrawal from it. Suing a government agency is pointless and probably won't lead to anything good. It takes armed revolt to change governments.

Trying to mentally list all the shit that friends and family members have done to me is making me feel a little crazy. Theft, fraud, neglect, abuse....etc. If I filed lawsuits against all of them....first of all I wouldn't get anything out of it financially, but it would be nice for someone to say "These people are wrong and you are right". Instead of financial compensation, maybe I could force them into mental hospitals for intensive behavior modification. I go way out of the way to help my family, and I have for my entire life, but when I need help, I get shit on. With extreme prejudice.

Ok, so I have cut out all these negative influences in my life. Now what? I have moved to a place where I don't know anyone and no one knows me. I have a fresh start and am drama free. Well. I'm agoraphobic so making friends isn't really possible. I can't work or go to school right now, or possibly ever because of my crippling disabilities. I have no support structure. Where is the line for people who are just waiting to die?

Find something that makes life worth living.....I'm not suicidal. Really. I know this post sounds really bad. I just don't know what to do. I'm 31 years old and am facing a lifetime of nothing to do. I could pull a Count of Monte Cristo and dedicate my life to some elaborate revenge plot. There are a lot of people who I could avenge myself against. I could spend the rest of my life partying, because you can kill a lot of time that way. It's not a particularly fulfilling way to spend your life, but screw it. I think I'll just party for a while because I don't have any better ideas. At least that way I'm not obsessing over all the really bad things that have happened.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Nobody panic

So my family packed me off to a mental hospital under threat of being kicked out of the house. Then they kicked me out anyway. I have spent the last few weeks living out of hotels, and I'm running out of money.

I'm supposed to go get my stuff and my cat in the next few days, but I'm scared to deal with their shit. I have exceeded my capacity to tolerate drama without possibly losing my shit. I'm in the midwest for now. I've gone mostly off the grid. I changed my cell number, deactivated my facebook, and have been avoiding any way my crazy family can track me.

Once I get myself out of this temporary financial crisis, I can start a life that I live for myself and stop trying to make myself fit into a mold that my family tries to force me into.

I just want to paint and write and not panicking every time someone dreams up some imaginary crisis that makes me crazy.

So I'm okay. Nobody needs to panic. If I don't get to panic nobody else gets to. Thanks for the concern though, because in the last few weeks I've only gotten rage from my blood relatives.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Displaced....

Whelp...PTSD has ruined the best relationship I've ever had. Not to say I don't hold some responsibility for what happened, but...

So I went to Wyoming to visit my family, and my boyfriend broke up with me via video chat (my cell phone didn't good service here). He's sending my stuff to me via movers. Since I'm not able to take care of myself right now, my only choice was staying with my dad, stepmom and two sisters. They live in a 2.5 bedroom trailer with only 1 bathroom. So I displaced my teenage sister from her room, and she is mad because I took down her posters.

As of this moment, I have a week's worth of clothes, an insufficient supply of meds, my teddy bear, and my guitar. Most of the rest of my stuff has to go into storage. I don't even have a place to put my clothes, because the .5 bedroom I'm using doesn't have a closet and my sister's dresser won't fit into my other sister's room. We're discussing moving into a bigger place, but it's the holidays....

I popped the E string on my guitar and gave myself a panic attack. Ridiculous.

I didn't choose to have PTSD, panic disorder with agoraphobia, nightmare disorder, chronic depressive disorder or the other assorted fucked upedness that I have, and these things have destabilized my life yet again.

I'm so fucking tired.

My sisters are so worried that they'll upset me that they hide in their room whenever I'm in one of the common areas. It makes me feel so fucking horrible that I can't even describe it. I'm 1000 miles away from the home I had last month, separated from my dog and my cats. I have almost nothing tangible of my own. My dad and mom are trying their best to make me feel better, and so I try to be positive when I can manage it and the rest of the time I'm just quiet.

They don't know how to deal with me. They love me and they try and I'm grateful, but I'm so lost most of the time that I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

My own special kind of crazy

Back from residential treatment program. I survived it. Some random crazy person showed up on the VA campus with a gun and tried to kidnap my room mate. I threw stress balls at my therapist. I taught the basics of watercolors during recreational therapy.

Therapist had me try to start doing Prolonged Exposure Therapy, the kind where I write in graphic and excruciating detail about the rapes. Didn't work out so well. I wasn't able to finish that treatment and I'm still suffering from the backlash of the extreme stress that put on me emotionally.

I'm tired. Other events that are happening make me feel like my life is cascading out of control. I tend to start crying for no reason and then am unable to stop. I don't sleep when I'm supposed to, I stay awake as long as I can and then I crash hard and fast.

I physically hurt from the constant tension and anxiety that I'm under. My shoulders and neck and jaw tighten up so badly that I'm like a giant bruise.

The value of escapism can not be overstated here.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

I don't want to!

I'm in full on rebellion right now. I didn't get out of bed yesterday. I don't want to get out of bed today. I'm supposed to be packing to go to the PTSD residential treatment program. I don't want to go. I have mentally thrown myself on the ground and am kicking and screaming, like a badly behaved toddler at a grocery store.

I know it's childish. I don't care. I'm terrified.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Fragile truce

I have managed to find a little mellow for the moment. Learning to play the guitar, and I find that mindless repetitive fingering exercises are calming.

I'm not thinking about tomorrow, because today is more than enough. I'm going to hold on to this tenuous peace for as long as it lasts.

I've been relying heavily on my medication to manage break through anxiety. It's been really tough. It's like unravelling at the edges.

While I appreciate words of encouragement and support, I would caution readers not to expect much by way of a response from me. When I write here, it is usually because I am going through extreme emotional turmoil. I write this for me first, to help me sort through the kaleidoscope of trauma that I deal with on a daily basis.