Saturday, June 13, 2015


Enforcing your boundaries is not "having mood swings". Standing up for yourself is not "being unreasonable".

Assertive females seem to bring out the misogynist in men. I'm tired of having my mental health called into question for not being a doormat on command.

That crap does not fly with me!

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Dark humor

Spent 15 hours at the VA last night. I went in because I had a weird allergic reaction to something. Somehow ended up with a CT scan, EKG, and left without having anything resolved. They shrugged and said "We don't know."

I'm working on three new articles right now, because I'm trying to make writing a focus for me right now. This would be easier if my ADHD was being treated. I can't concentrate. In between every sentence I'm writing at the moment, I'm stopping and doing something else for a few minutes. OMG it's so frustrating.

I'm also trying to write 1000 words a day on my novel. 1000 words isn't a lot for me, because I used to sit down and churn out 10,000 words without even trying hard. But I'm struggling with a tenth of that. Concentration problems and writing isn't a good combination.

I was supposed to have the results of my ADHD battery (a 3.1 hour battle with various tests) a few weeks ago. No love. The VA never gets anything right. EVER. And if they ever did, it would be accidental and someone would have to write a formal apology.

The novel is going well despite the concentration problems. The articles I'm struggling with. I have a very distinct style of writing. That style involves a lot of sarcasm, irony, and aggression. I like it. I need to learn to tone it down and focus on the more technical parts of writing for the op eds. Lol. People are worried that my writing is "low brow", and I'm like, damn straight it's low brow. Journalism has become so fucking snobby that it alienates an entire generation. I really think blogs and online news sources have revolutionized modern journalism. We don't need suits on tv. We want the gritty facts and a cynical voice, never taking ourselves too seriously. That's what the Millennial generation is all about. Truth, cynicism, and even inappropriate levity at every possible opportunity. The media takes themselves far too seriously (perhaps because they have become their own corporations), and act like snobby banter is humor. Gimme a break. I love dark humor, most of my generation does.

Love me or hate me, you can't change me. Dark humor and all.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Superheroes and cowardice

My life has gotten a little weird lately. I started writing these op ed articles and to my shock and amazement, they got published. (In large part because of a very good friend of mine, because I don't deal well with people.)

I'm also getting job offers that are so incredibly tempting, that I have to turn down, because I have to respect my limits. It's a kind of torture, because it's the first time in ages and aeons that I have felt like I have something to offer the world.

I write articles about MST because I want to make people listen. People need to understand the problem and then maybe someone will fix it. Part of me believes that I can single handedly eradicate MST if I just work hard enough. I have to check that inner voice with doses of reality periodically. What I really want to do is write fiction. I do write fiction, a  ton of it, and I think it's really great stuff. I don't have the guts to submit it to be published though.

Part of my problem is that the agoraphobic voice in my head is too scared to become dependant on the opinions of others to make my living. And then I feel guilty for doing what I really want to do, because of my need to save the world....

I'm tired of being scared of everything, even my own dreams for my future....

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Heinous fuckery most foul.

Heinous fuckery most foul.

"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of earlier wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." -- George Washington

With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow, and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.” Abraham Lincoln.

So much for a "just and lasting peace". The VA has just taking a giant steaming shit on the constitution with regards to the second amendment, and never mind veteran's privacy. Congress has just spit in the face of every veteran everywhere....again.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Interview with an abuser

Control. As human beings we spend our entire lives seeking control. We smoke cigarettes, abuse drugs and alcohol, we impulse shop, and we use a myriad of other tactics to feel in control of our lives. Some part of us knows that control is an illusion. Eating disorders and gambling addictions are manifestations of that desire for control.

Some people beat their spouses to feel in control of their lives. Some people rape women to feel powerful and in control. Given enough time physical abuse and rape will eventually escalate into murder.

Victims of this abuse certainly have no control. They could choose to walk away, and seek help. Abusers are adept at convincing their victims that they are powerless. 

A man, an abuser, once told me “You’re going to find out some things about me, and I don’t want them to change the way you think of me.” The next day I found out he broke his girlfriend’s leg with a golf club, because he believed she talked too much. He wanted to shut her up. So he broke her leg. For control. 

One of the men who raped me told me once that he loved manipulating women into situations to force them to have sex with him. He loved making women do things they didn’t want to do. He smiled as he described some of the things he’d done to women. Control.

Another of the men who raped me, waited until I was unconscious from my migraine medications to rape me. I briefly regained consciousness during the rape and he was telling me “You have wanted this for so long.” The only way he could control me enough to get what he wanted was to wait for me to be unconscious. Control.

And every day 22 veterans commit suicide because they have no control. 

So how do we find control without murder, rape, abuse, or suicide?

Friday, March 20, 2015

Another article